If/Then

Do you ever wonder "what if"? Do you ever think of what could have been? What should have been? I watched Grey`s Anatomy tonight, then talked to an old friend. It got me thinking. A lot. And of things that made my heart sad. And happy. And overjoyed. And sad again.

On Grey`s, Meredith talked about her what ifs. What if she had loving parents, that pushed her, loved her, were there. She showed her "what if world". She was engaged to Alex, who was still as slimy as ever. Addison & Derek (Mcdreary now) were still married & expecting. Christina was evil. It was all twisted up & crazy!

But, at the same time, you saw the characters interact with their true loves, & they knew. They were meant to be. It didn`t matter what path you took, you still ended up where you belonged. Sloan swooped in, the father of Addison`s baby. Torres & Arizona bonded over saving a child`s life. Meredith & Derek? Just a boy & a girl in bar. Together.

It was a crazy show, & I was all, ahh! Can you imagine? What if?? But at the end, all was as it should be.

Tonight, I posted a photo on my Facebook. A friend posted it, & I loved it, so I stole it (er, shared it). It was sweet, a tiny bit sappy, but, also fitting in that it is my life.

I then put this caption underneath, "I have 2 of them. And they are my most precious gifts ever. Never have I been so proud & amazed at something I have accomplished. They are my world."

They are my world. They are mine. They are my 2 greatest achievements in the world. How did I get so lucky to get chosen as their mom??

I posted that tonight & then received a message from a friend. She called me inspirational. She recently had her first baby. She is in the "new mom" stage. She wonders how, at 30, she will do it. And wonders how, at 20, I did it.

Yep. I was a Teen Mom, folks. My oldest was born when I was 19. And my 2nd was born 1 day short of 2 years later (seriously people, the boys were born April 14, 2002 & April 13, 2004). I can`t even remember how I did it.

Anson was born in Hinton, Alberta. We moved there when I was 8 weeks pregnant. We were 10 hours away from family. He was a very easy baby, slept when he was supposed to, loved playdates with his baby group friends. Swimming, the park, we had a blast!

When he was 13 months old, we moved home. Ryden was born 11 months later. G`s parents lived down the street from us. He was a "difficult" baby. He was premature & in the NICU. Colic. The child had to be in OUR house by 6pm. If he didn`t, he screamed for hours. He was lactose intolerant (mommy couldn`t eat chocolate, WHAT?!?!). He crawled at 4 months, & learned how to climb at 6 months.

I think by the time Ryden was born, I was so exhausted, I just got through the days on autopilot. G worked long hours. My inlaws worked. I just, did. Because I had to. We needed to eat, so I learned to cook (and cook well, may I add!). We needed clean cothes, so I did laundry.

Baby group was a guaranteed outing a week. Summers meant swimming lessons & playdates at the spray park. Winter meant hockey & skating & sledding. Toddler classes, then preschool, then Pre-K, then kindergarten. All of a sudden, I am looking at the last 5 months of my 20s, my babies will be 8 & 10 in 2 short months, & we will be celebrating 10 years of marriage next month.

On one hand, I cannot believe I have been a mom for 10 years. I am only 29! But then, I can`t imagine life any other way. My classmates are just getting married, & having babies. They are dealing with poopy diaper explosions, sleepness nights & potty training. I have moved on to girlfriends, hockey injuries & cell phone debates.

Tonight, contemplating the "what if" of my world? I couldn`t imagine. I honestly can`t picture my life without my babies. I guess the "what if" me would have a job (what`s that?? I haven`t worked outside my home in over 10 years!), and probably a bigger house. But, I love my 10 years of domestic bliss. I love my cute little character home.

And while I, at times, feel I have been stagnant for the last 11 years, I just look at my boys. They are reason I learned to cook. The reason I go to bed laughing, & wake up to crumbs all over the kitchen. I may have started early, but to all of my friends starting out? Your next 10 years will be amazing. Filled with joy, tears, laughter, probably a little bit of poop & bodily fluids (okay, who am I kidding, there will be a LOT!), & sticky snuggles. But at the end of 10 years? There will be no "what ifs". There will simply be the knowledge of your greatest accomplishment in the world is because you followed your path, and that it was meant to be.